Tuesday, October 15, 2013

The Absurdites of Wizards.

I have a feeling all Pahvelorn's wizards
are the spiritual successors of this guy.

Wizards, they are all crazy.  The random table of horrible wizard affectations listed below has been inspired by the variety of mad wizards encountered in Pahvelorn.  So far the Pahvelorn party has done in the following wizards:

1. Some chump necromancer with theatrical aspirations (he had a skeleton acting troupe), wore a three horned headress.

2. His would be successor, an even less intelligent necromancer, killed by Beni because the clerics in the party wanted to torture the poor touched soul.

3. Lovitar the bleak eyed - madder then a rat living in an outhouse.  Enjoyed turning people into beastmen while hiding invisible - an ineffective tactic when faced with killer war dogs.

4. Some crazy old alchemist type (looted and exiled, not actually killed, because he proved not to be a wizard...in retrospect however.)

5. A gang of purple worm worshiping cretins.

6.  A powerful flame wizard, yet even his unnatural allies, levitation and tame dragon weren't too helpful after he was filled with arrows, bolts, daggers, thrown axes and lightning bolts.

7. Orange Hat - A mediocre sorcerer wearing a hat with two brims. This wizard didn't figure that a sociopathic rat catcher would be concealed in the shadows behind his preferred parley spot. (bisected with magical saber)

8. Necromancer No. 3. mystical bodyguard and animated statutes proved no match for murderhobo ingenuity.  No parley was offered after a henchman kicked down the trapped door to his lab.  Lightning bolt me form concealment once, shame on me...

9. Crystal lich of famous wizard. Unclear if this thing counts as a wizard, but since it turned one party member into a frog, and another to stone, before the parties' wizard (a 13 year old girl) rallied the band's worried henchman for a renewed and successful assault, it seems like a fair guess to call it a wizard.

10. Elf enslavement ring, found looting crystal lich's hideout upon return. Two or three Sorcerers in service of assassin's cat spirit (exact number caught in barrage of rebounding lightning bolts and fireballs is unclear), attempting to turn cougars into something else with forbidden magics and guarded by ensorceled elves (elves had 2 survivors).

This slightly more than a wizard a level for the Pahvelorn party.  It has basically been proven time and again that wizards encountered in Pahvelorn are all megalomaniac horrors.  Additionally the Gm has managed to make them memorably badly dressed.  Below is may attempt to create a table for random Pahvelorn style wizard generation....

Inexplicable Affectations of individuals lost to sorcery…
and the awful hats they prize.
Brocade robe of an incalculable number of folds, pleats, darts and ruffles (60% naked beneath, 30% absurdly thin 30% obese).
Pointed hat, covered in moons and stars (30% glow in the dark)
Absurdly high still collar of robes or doublet.
Face concealing helmet (50% horns, 20% unnatural horns)
Multicolored mirrors on hobnail boots.
Glittering prism or gem floats above brow (70% it’s paste)
Skintight black leather catsuit (50% covered in excessive buckles).
Stereotypical Skull Maks  (70% has fangs)
Elaborate plate armor (20% raw meteoric iron – black and pitted with hate, 20% enameled and gilded, 20% glowing runes, 20% Mountainous bronze panoply, 10% sensible wargear).
Alopecia – no hair, not even eyebrows. 25% has tattooed hair. 20% has wig and/or fake moustache
Robes of animated stone, grinding and creaking with every movement.
Overwhelming apparatus of lenses and reticules.
The simple clothes of a humble peasant or monk (80% far too clean and well-tailored).
High powdered wig (10% contains decorative objects – like a model ship)
Rakish suit, proper to a young gentleman (1D6) centuries out of style.
Nest of bats or birds rest within unkempt wild hair
Robe made of something evil and horrible – 25% The scalps of comely youth, 25% The flayed faces of lesser wizards, 25% Shattered dreams, 25% The muscle and viscera of this morning’s sacrifices
Gleaming metallic skullcap (20% proves to be actual grafted skull replacement, 20% it’s crystal and the wizard’s pulsing brain is visible beneath)
Grafted on chitin armor covered in glowing runes -conceals under modest robes when travelling (30% armor is living symbiotic magical entity)
Clean linen bandages cover face (and likely all other exposed flesh)
Glowing robe of translucent spectral material
Halo (50% light, 50% darkness)
A fool’s motley (40% because life is a bad joke)
Huge hoary crown worked with uncut jewels of prodigious size.


  1. It's tragic how many wizards succumb to madness, it's true.

  2. The funny hats keep "them" from hearing the secrets.

    1. I almost include "veil of crumpled tinfoil"...

    2. It would only have made this all the more impressive! Thanks for sharing this, it's great.

  3. Brocade robe of an incalculable number of folds, pleats, darts and ruffles (60% naked beneath, 30% absurdly thin 30% obese).


    1. Naked and with an abnormal body type are not mutually exclusive - sadly.